Happy anniversary

EDIT: I actually wrote this is August but didnt post it because I like to sit on it and review it. A senior moment/forgetfulness happened so here it is 2 months late.

I’m not sure why exactly, but it’s a hard day. I made the choice to leave the life I built. And I know its the right thing to have left. But it’s my 41st anniversary.

I spent part of the day clearing out the barn with the cowboy to get ready for an estate/garage sale. Most of the stuff is his, tools, fishing gear, stuff collected over 4 decades. So much STUFF.

Neither of us addressed the elephant in the room. Happy anniversary seems… I don’t know, ill conceived, ingenuine. So we both ignored it. Meanwhile, we both suffered through whatever this is.

If anyone ever tells you, divorce means nothing, just do it, yada, yada, yada. It isn’t easy. Period.

I haven’t even filed yet. I will. Do I know why I’m waiting? No not really. But this is who I’ve been for more of my life than not. I’m ready to move on. But there’s this physical thing that’s messing with my head (broken wrist, see other post) I’m vulnerable and struggling. Not who I was last Feb when I left. I will give it time. Time is what I have but also what is a precious commodity at my age.

I’m not sure how to navigate this. To be sad, to be happy, to be free. All of it.

Ok enough ramblings by a Riley for tonight. Thank you for listening to you of those still there.


Selling out

My house went on the market today. I can’t describe it. “Weird” is all I can come up with but it doesn’t begin to really sum it up. Today I realized I have lived in the house we built for HALF MY LIFE. Really? I never thought of it this way until now.

A few years ago, we talked about selling out. Too much property, too much house, too much maintenance. This was always where we were going. Now, it’s just going our separate ways. So why is it so hard?

Because my heart was in it. My children, my marriage, my LIFE. I will never look back and think, did I do enough? I did. I gave to the other 4 people loved with my all my heart. A piece of me, of my being, will always be lodged in that land. From the Cedar Circle, my personal love, a stand of cedars, made perfect by my grandson Lukan who created a firepit for me, to fruit trees and deer, owls and eagles. Ahhhh, so hard to let it go but I can’t hang on to it all anymore.

But it’s time to move on. Maybe there’s another piece of my life that I just never understood till now that awaits me. I trust in that. Gotta.